First, let me define what a hardcore runner is, or what I consider it to be. My hardcore runner is the one who glides down the street at a three minute per mile pace without breaking a sweat or gagging. Her hands usually sway low down by her waist. She will glance periodically at her very expensive Garmin unfazed that she just ran the last five miles in fifteen minutes. She doesn't have to worry about the cars on the road because she is faster than them. Cyclists and small animals veer out of her way for fear of being trampled over. At races, her First Overall (because she beats the men, of course) trophy is pre-engraved with her name. She never takes a drink from the water stations because she has trained herself to store water a la camels. After all, she lives among them during the summer months in the desert where she trains. Her preferred running conditions vary from hurricane to blizzard to heat wave, but always in the dark. Reflectors are unnecessary because of the sparks her sneakers create when barely hitting the pavement.
How does this hardcore runner dress? It's always the same, regardless of weather. She wears shorts, of course. Pant legs are for pussies. She wears a tank top because shirt sleeves are for pussies. On days when the temperature is below -15 degrees, she'll maybe break out the compression sleeves. Maybe. She wears a wool ski hat year round (Yes, that includes July and August). She wears sunglasses because she runs at night and she's a child of the eighties. She never runs with earphones because music is for pussies. She wears her hair down because pony tails are for - ponies. And last but not least, her sneakers always look brand spanking new because she has a pair for every day of the month.
Follow these tips and people will surely mistake you for the hard core runner. They will look at you in complete awe while you are running around your neighborhood. Make sure you sprint when a car approaches because you want the driver to think you have been running that fast for hours. Warning: Do not show up at a race in your hardcore disguise unless you know for sure the true hardcore runner won't be participating. Nothing is more embarrassing than her crossing the finish line while you're still at the start trying to pick out if anyone noticed your awesomeness. It's awkward...so I've been told.
Yo! Represent'n the 5-1-6, bitches!
Tuesday (1/6/15) - Ran 1.5 to the gym in the snow. Did 3 mile tempo run on the treadmill next to a girl who was running at a 9.5 speed. Had I known Miss Hardcore Show Off Treadmill Runner was going to be there, I would have nixed the gym altogether. Instead, I just ran like the runner I actually am, Bad Ass ;) 1.6 miles back home.
